Thursday, January 14, 2016

life with two little ones.

(This was a draft saved in my inbox. I don't know why I never posted it but
I should have! And these photos were taken by my talented friend, Megan Mulvey.
Thank you so much for these, Megs!)

Early on in my pregnancy when we found out we were expecting another one, I felt this anxiety of Noah not being my little baby anymore. He has always been such a mama's boy and attached to my hip! I didn't want him to feel replaced and I didn't want our close relationship, this strong bond we had together fade. 
I was nervous, even though we were wanting another baby and had planned this pregnancy, in the back of my head I had this bitter feeling of letting go of just Noah and I.

I had scheduled an early ultrasound to see if I was expecting twins since they run in my family
and after feeling like I wasn't having twins my husband thought we should just wait a little longer for the first ultrasound but I for some reason felt like I needed to go.. I didn't know why I had this feeling which made me so nervous! Once we got there and were ready to go I remember Chan standing next to the bed holding my hand with Noah in his arms and as soon as that little baby popped up on the scream Noah said so sweetly, "Look! Thats my baby! Thats my baby sister!". And I felt a tear roll down my cheek. He then got down and stood on a stool and held my hand with his dad. For me that was a perfect moment, a moment that I needed and I felt that fear of two babies, of guilt sharing my mama heart with another one, and saying goodbye to having just Noah leave my body. 

And he was so sure his baby was a girl and he was right from the very beginning.

When we brought Penelope home, Chan left to go pick Noah up from his Nana and Papa's house.
I sat in my bedroom waiting for him to get here, trying to prepare myself for this moment. Will he like her? Will he be jealous? Will he cry? 
I heard the door open and Noah walked in my room and as soon as he saw me with this tiny baby he got the biggest smile on his face and was breathing with so much excitement. He climbed up onto the bed and kissed her on the head and kept saying "Hi Penelope!". 
He then bent down and whispered, "it's okay Penny, I'm going to protect you." and then my mommy heart just melted all over the place.

I feel like life with two littles hasn't been what I had expected. I expected the worst but we got pretty lucky. Noah loves her so much! It's like he understood and had a bond with her before she was born. I love watching their little relationship grow. Noah insists on taking naps by her and they actually nap better that way. He loves to kiss the top of her head and asks all the time to hold her. If she's upset he runs to me and tells me she's crying and he helps bring me her diapers and wipes. Sometimes she will take a bath with me and I love when he comes in and asks me, "Mommy! How's she doing in there?".

I try to be careful with my time though. Making sure I give Noah the attention he needs and balancing out the two during the day. If Noah asks to be held I try to hand Penny to someone else or lay her down and let him be held. If she's crying I try to make him feel okay before rushing off. 

It's been 9 weeks with having two littles and I can promise you it's a beautiful experience. Don't get me wrong, there are moments where I feel like I'm about to collapse with exhaustion and most nights I don't get that much sleep. Getting out the door on time is quit a challenge and having enough time to shave my legs is a joke. Oh and having perfectly painted nails? Yeah… no. And by the end of the day I might be covered from head to toe in spit up and baby poop but its worth it. All of it is worth it.

The other day I had an overwhelming feeling that this is where I am suppose to be
and that is so comforting because I know 100% that this really is where I am suppose to be.
And my heart is full of so much love.

^^^ Do you see those precious curls?? in love! ^^^

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